It's been two days...

It's been two days since I lost my baby. Two days of emptiness and pain and feeling lost. I've been so thankful that I have been surrounded by loving family and friends. I have so much emotion going through me right now. I can't sleep and I almost have no appetite. I can't even concentrate on a paper that was due yesterday.
My mind is empty on what else to write right now. I'm sure when the insomnia strikes later I will have more to say.

Plan changes...

A lot has happened since my first post. Robert is now in Paramedic school and is doing great. We were at our friends' parent's house for a get together for the one year anniversary of his death last month (August) and we realized that we didn't want to miss being around our friends and family so we made the decision that night to stay in Georgia and not move to Florida. After making that decision we decided that we were ready to expand our family. Two months later we were happily expecting #2. Our due date was to be May 4, 2012 which was just a day earlier than the due date I had with Jon. We were happy and excited for our new addition. On Saturday, September 3, 2011 I started bleeding. The bleeding didn't last long but it scared me regardless. On Sunday, I bled and the same for Tuesday. After trying to get in touch with my midwife and not being able to reach her or get any return phone calls, I ended up going to the ER on Wednesday. They drew blood and did an ultrasound. My HCG level was 995.9 and my u/s showed that I was only 4w 5d and I was supposed to be 6w that Friday. It was recommended that I follow up with the OB before the middle of the following week. So I called another OB office and was able to get in the same day (Thursday) so I went and immediately LOVED the OB. He had labs drawn and I was scheduled for an u/s for the 23rd. Received a call the next day about my labs and my HCG had increased but not doubled. It was now 1195. I went on Monday to get my HCG rechecked and it had dropped to 1045 so they said that the pregnancy would more than likely end in miscarriage and that my OB wanted to see me on Thursday. I received this news only after I had been at work for about 30 mins so I left work and I haven't been back since. I then spent most of my time crying and grieving. Thursday finally came and Robert and I went to the appointment together. My OB came in and did a pelvic and said that he was going to send me to get an u/s. So we went down the hall and we were both surprised at what we saw and heard. Our baby was still there AND there was heartbeat. It was such an amazing thing to hear especially since I was supposed to have miscarried. We both had hope that everything would be okay. Blood work was done again. Results showed my level had only gone up to 1136. On Saturday September 17, 2011 we lost our fighter. It was very hard for us but we both know that our baby is in a better place. We have both decided that we will wait to try again until after he is done with school at the end of next year. So now I am a proud mommy to Jonathan and to Angel. I know that our son would have been an amazing big brother but maybe now wasn't the time for him to be assigned that big role. Hopefully next year will be it for us.