It's been two days...

It's been two days since I lost my baby. Two days of emptiness and pain and feeling lost. I've been so thankful that I have been surrounded by loving family and friends. I have so much emotion going through me right now. I can't sleep and I almost have no appetite. I can't even concentrate on a paper that was due yesterday.
My mind is empty on what else to write right now. I'm sure when the insomnia strikes later I will have more to say.

Plan changes...

A lot has happened since my first post. Robert is now in Paramedic school and is doing great. We were at our friends' parent's house for a get together for the one year anniversary of his death last month (August) and we realized that we didn't want to miss being around our friends and family so we made the decision that night to stay in Georgia and not move to Florida. After making that decision we decided that we were ready to expand our family. Two months later we were happily expecting #2. Our due date was to be May 4, 2012 which was just a day earlier than the due date I had with Jon. We were happy and excited for our new addition. On Saturday, September 3, 2011 I started bleeding. The bleeding didn't last long but it scared me regardless. On Sunday, I bled and the same for Tuesday. After trying to get in touch with my midwife and not being able to reach her or get any return phone calls, I ended up going to the ER on Wednesday. They drew blood and did an ultrasound. My HCG level was 995.9 and my u/s showed that I was only 4w 5d and I was supposed to be 6w that Friday. It was recommended that I follow up with the OB before the middle of the following week. So I called another OB office and was able to get in the same day (Thursday) so I went and immediately LOVED the OB. He had labs drawn and I was scheduled for an u/s for the 23rd. Received a call the next day about my labs and my HCG had increased but not doubled. It was now 1195. I went on Monday to get my HCG rechecked and it had dropped to 1045 so they said that the pregnancy would more than likely end in miscarriage and that my OB wanted to see me on Thursday. I received this news only after I had been at work for about 30 mins so I left work and I haven't been back since. I then spent most of my time crying and grieving. Thursday finally came and Robert and I went to the appointment together. My OB came in and did a pelvic and said that he was going to send me to get an u/s. So we went down the hall and we were both surprised at what we saw and heard. Our baby was still there AND there was heartbeat. It was such an amazing thing to hear especially since I was supposed to have miscarried. We both had hope that everything would be okay. Blood work was done again. Results showed my level had only gone up to 1136. On Saturday September 17, 2011 we lost our fighter. It was very hard for us but we both know that our baby is in a better place. We have both decided that we will wait to try again until after he is done with school at the end of next year. So now I am a proud mommy to Jonathan and to Angel. I know that our son would have been an amazing big brother but maybe now wasn't the time for him to be assigned that big role. Hopefully next year will be it for us.

Starting this weekend (hopefully) I'm hoping to start the 17 day diet. :D I have about 30-40lbs to lose and I hope I am able to FINALLY get this weight off.

One problem that I will have is the current stress that I am going through right now. When I'm stressed I eat.. a lot... So I will have to find something that can help me to not eat so much. I'm hoping that I can stick with this diet. Its been hard for me to stick with a diet so my fingers are crossed!

New Place...

So we are FINALLY in a place of our own again. It's only an apartment but its SOMETHING. Of course we arent even unpacked yet so we are living out of boxes BUT the kitchen is 90% unpacked so at least that much has been done. I'm quickly becoming couponista and I'm saving coupons constantly! I have a drawer in the kitchen dedicated to JUST coupons. :D I'm loving being able to be on our own AND save money at the same time.

Also, Jon had his follow up appointment with Dr. Hood (ENT) and he said that the tube is still in one ear (cant remember which one he said) but it is ALMOST out but the other one is still as snug in there as the day it was put in so he said that if it is still in there by the time we come back for a follow up (September) then monkey has to have surgery to have it removed. :( So boo. I hope like heck it is out of there by September.

Venting

I know that I don't write often but I'm starting to think it may be a great idea if I do. Reason for writing tonight is to vent what is on my mind. I'd like to think that everything is hunky-dory in my life but I'd be lying to myself. Don't get me wrong... I love my fiance and I love my son but I feel as if there isnt much to our relationship anymore. We are getting closer to the 8 1/2 year mark and with his work schedule the way that it is it seems as if we hardly ever get to spend time together. Yes, he is home when he is not at work but that is not the same, ya know? Just because someone is home when they are not somewhere else doesn't mean that you are able to spend time with them, etc. I guess I am just spoiled to how things used to be and I just wish that things stayed the same. Hopefully things will start to get better for me. For us.

Venting...

So the holidays are coming up and in a way I'm dreading it. I dread the holidays now because of his work schedule. I dread the heartache. and the feeling of being alone. His work schedule always causes us to be apart for at least one holiday. I never know until the last moment what his schedule will be and it aggravates me. Ugh. On top of that, I'm just frustrated with his work schedule period. He barely has time to spend time with me and his son. Honestly, I just want him to spend time with his son because the way I see it is that I've had the past 8 years with him but our son has only had the past 2. I need a punching bag to let out this frustration. :(

Today he got his paycheck and it was better than it was last pay period so I have a feeling that things will be "ok" for this pay period. We might struggle a tiny bit but not as bad as we did last check. I'm getting frustrated with school... again. I just cant wait to be done with everything next year. I need a break from school. With everything that is going on I need a breather. I guess I could say that I somewhat see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully that light gets brighter soon.